the gregarious homebody

Monday, April 13, 2009

Free Pass Five: Part Deux

Why do another FPF? Well, even though I've been faithful to one man for almost 22 years, apparently in my fantasy life I'm sort of fickle. AND IT'S FUN.
I was going to name this FPF Cougar Edition until I realized that only one of the entries was slightly inappropriate (and only slightly...he IS legal!!)
So perhaps this whole mid-crisis thing is nothing to worry about. Go me!
Without further ado....

#1 still-reigning champion...

Ewan McGregor
stop looking at me like that, you saucy minx

Why is Ewan number 1? Well, it's not because of his latest movies, that's for sure. Not only have they been abysmal (even I couldn't finish them), they've been American which, as you know, usually means we see no frontal nudity. And let's face it, he does always have that to fall back on in a pinch.
Nope, it's got to be that cheeky grin, that Scottish accent, that willingness to show a feminine side, that adventurous spirit...and have you seen his full frontal?

#2 Robert Pattinson

I know, I's disgraceful. I could be his mother (if I was a slut when I was 16 which is something that everyone who knew me then knew I wished I was but instead was "everyone's friend, nobody's lover," alright, yes, Mom, you're right I know, I know!!).

I'm sorry..where was I? Right. Yes, I am "too old" for him. Yes, he can look kind of girly at times. Yes there are those stinky rumors. But all this tells me is that
he must be taught.

#3 Craig Ferguson

I have no bloody idea why this picture is so small
because my Craig is very very BIG (I'm talking about his height here, people...)...). But I think this picture nonetheless sums up his suaveness, his debonnaireness....actually, he seems to be none of those things (if, in fact, that second one is a word). He is a big goof ball. A smarty pants who acts dumb but isn't. A great Scotsman with a flair for the perverse.
And not too hard on the eyes as well.

#4 Anthony Bourdain

nice joint, Tony
(teehee...dirty foodie humor!)

Now this one is odd, even for me. Because although I find Tony here attractive---he's got great legs, a nice snarky sense of humor, he's smart--I actually really want to be him. He's got the most awesome job ever. He travels. He parties. He eats. He apparently has the best metabolism known to man or woman.
Does that mean I want to free pass five with myself?

#5 Dave Grohl

This may be my weirdest one yet. I LOVE DAVE, don't get me wrong. But I think I want to have sex with his mind more than anything else. Is that too graphic? It's just that he's so talented (for this I'm willing to overlook his dreaded gum-chewing)---he's amazing musically, he's got a wicked sense of humor, he's nice, and he makes me smile when I'm running. Maybe I want to be his best friend.

Who occasionally snuggles.


Jennifer Garner

Look at her. She's magnificent. I would forgo the rest of her if I could just have her shoulders (as my own...not as some kind of creepy trophy). But, like Davey Baby above, I must admit that I'd really like to have her as a friend. She seems so cool. So normal. So fun.
I would have to make a No Ben rule when we went out though.
He seems like a douche..
See? She's not perfect! Love her.




Petunia Face said...

I totally know what you mean. I am constantly revising my free pass five in my head, and then I feel like maybe I should tell someone to make it official. Because what if Paul Rudd showed up at my door and nobody knew that it is now officially okay for me to sleep with him?!

jen said...

I would know. And I would totally back you up.

Anonymous said...

Yuck! You are a pig. You make me want to barf! I can only imagine what you look like.

The Handsome Husband said...

What is your problem?? My wife is beautiful. You obviously lead a very sheltered and sad lonely existence if you can't see the humor and fun in this post.

If you look at the bottom of the tag of the post, it clearly says "shits and giggles"

"Lighten up Frances"

Anonymous said...

I have to pick 5????? I pick my wife, because all of my five embody something that I love about her...

Okay ummm... first there's Ashley Judd -- even though she's an obnoxious southerner, I'm going to give her a free pass and an opportunity to prove me wrong.

Secondly there's Kate Beckinsale -- but has to be wearing that get-up she had on during the filming of Van Helsing. Sorry, I know it is a bit fetishistic, so sue me...

Third...Hmm... this is tough because I find most hollywood types just so damn annoying and at the base of it, I'm a pretty practical person. For example, when I was in college, I RARELY hooked up. And it wasn't solely because I was a total geek with little money who dressed like he just stepped out of the VF Outlets (although that had a LOT to do with it at A.U.) -- it was because I would ask myself that question -- can this person engage in a conversation that would be interesting to me when they're sober...

Okay, so number 3... Maria Sharapova. I know...she probably wouldn't pass the conversation test listed above, but you know if I'm getting a free pass here, I have to give up on some things, right?

Number 4 -- Halle Berry. She's just a total knockout (IMHO) and she seems to have a head on her shoulders. Plus, she's a Type1 Diabetic, and you know... living with and being married to a Type1, I can totally appreciate the pain in the ass that this must be for her, and how she doesn't let her disease define who she is.

Number 5 -- Jeri Ryan. First of all she was the Star Trek babe to end all Star Trek babes (7 of 9 on Star Trek Voyager). Secondly, she's indirectly responsible for Barack Obama being President of the U.S. Jeri was married to Jack Ryan (a Chicago Political Scion) -- the two divorced, and the records of their custody battle over their son Ryan were sealed.... When Jack ran for Senator from Illinois in 2004, a judge decided to unseal those records -- turns out Jack took her to some BDSM sex clubs and asked her to "perform" --. The resulting scandal caused Jack to withdraw from the race, and he was replaced by the famed Republican psychotic anti-abortion dude, Alan Keyes who.... lost to State Senator Barack Obama in a landslide. So... you know, good for you Jeri, and if I do get the free pass, I won't ask you to dress up in Kate Beckinsale's Van Helsing outfit (see Free Pass #2)... but if you could wear the Star Trek thingee... you know...

So that's it. It wasn't very well thought-through, planned, etc.... so I'm apt to change my mind in 3...2...

(STEVE H.)...

Anonymous said...

Wait... I'm supposed to post a "bonus boy" (Sorry... I am man enough, but I'm going to have to think on it...


steve said...

Alright. I choose Beckham as my "mancrush". If we can get Victoria Beckham to go for the threesome, then that's just gravy on top.

I had to think very long about this one though...


drollgirl said...

I think I need more than 5 to satiate my sexual appetite:

Viggo Mortenson
Travis Fimmel
George Clooney
Christian Bale
Stephen Colbert
Russell Crow
Emile Hirsch
James McAvoy
Leonardo DiCaprio

and if i had a chick on the side, it would probable be Leighton Meester

jen said...

Dear Anonymous #1: I AM a pig. You've totally outed me. And because I'm a pig I LOVE YOU. And, by the way, you are my first insulting comment so you've popped my blogger cherry. So brave, so giving, so selfless of you, dear anonymous. *SMOOCH*

"Anonymous" #2: you are so very adorable, Steve, just because you wrote your name AFTER signing in as anonymous. YOU HAVE NO FEAR. And I would've totally barfed after reading that part about your wife embodying all your fantasies IF YOU DIDN'T THEN WRITE OUT A VERY DETAILED LIST OF YOUR FIVES. Nice save.

And I am seriously thinking about changing Jennifer Garner to Kate Beckinsale (from either Van Helsing OR Underworld)... Oh--and Mr. Beckham? Clearly you would not allow him to speak, right?

drollgirl--WHO is Travis Fimmel? MUST know!

And to my Handsome Husband who manages to NOT put a bag over my head every night AND has the confidence to engage in this folly, WUV YOU.

drollgirl said...

travis fimmel is a former calvin klein model. GULP. i want all of him. i get travis and you get rp. deal? deal.

adozeneggs said...

Just got home and I need to think about this because I'm a freak and have never developed a FPF.

But I have to say I'm in agreement with you on Anthony Bourdain.
I think he's just sexy. Really really sexy.
I love anonymous assholes. Hiding their identity, leaving shitty comments for people.
Anonymous, I don't love you. I think your a big fucking coward.

adozeneggs said...

Oh and I'll sleep on this and get back to you with my FPF in the morning.

32point5 said...

Wicked post...doesn't every happily married couple have the list? Mine is:
1) Daniel Craig, my god those ears are like handlebars just waiting for me. Layercake was his best look and my go to fantasy.
2) James McAvoy, watching him smoke a cigarette makes me almost want to take it up again.
3) Ewan as well, so yummy and snuggly. Have you seen his motorcycle documentaries? Watch them, excellent.
4) 100% agree on Dave G. but the gums gotta go, I'd even let him leave it on the bedside table, no coaster needed.
5) Brody Jenner, I know, I'm sorry. Sad, but man is he hot!

jen said...

Thanks, Laura!! I'll look forward to your list.

32.5--James Mc was on my last list. He's all about the total package, isn't he? At first glance, eh...but when he speaks. Oy. Layercake? Was that a movie? LOVE the ear comment. Must remember that.


adozeneggs said...

Ok after some serious thought:
Tom Brady (I AM from New England and I MIGHT forgive him for Giselle)
Anthony Bourdain H-O-T
Christian Bale (love the angry rant-SEXY)
Leonardo DiCaprio- He's so filled out and manly now.
Taye Diggs yummmmm
Oh. and since 32point5 reminded me, wow Daniel Craig, super HOT.
Sorry, I just can't think of a woman.
Although I'm sure my husband could.

jen said...

I love that the angry rant was sexy to you! All I could do was cringe and snicker. But I HAVE seen Batman.....nice.

The Handsome Husband said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Handsome Husband said...

Since there has been a new Cougar edition of the FPF, I thought I would update my list to include all Cougars (everyone on my list is older than me - not by much, but older)

#1 Gina Gershon b.1962- Making the list again. She's Jewish and she can play guitar (go see the movie "Prey for Rock and Roll")

#2 Mariska Hargitay b.1964- Jayne Mansfields daughter do I need to say anything else?

#3 Diane Lane b.1965- The closest in age to me, but she still is one year older.

#4 Marissa Tomei b.1964- Beautiful in that NY Guidette sort of way.

#5 Nigella Lawson b.1960- The oldest of the bunch, but she was born Jewish and she can cook! The tight cashmere sweaters are also a bonus.

As for my man crush, John Cusak is now out because he doesn't qualify. I am 4 months older than he is. So, I will pick Christopher Guest. He's funny and he can play guitar. The bonus with him is that "it goes to 11".

jen said...

see why I'm still with that man??!!

adozeneggs said...

John Cusak
That's a good one.
Have you seen War Inc? HOR-RI-BLE
Dave has Amy Winehouse on his list.
Should I be concerned?
Gina Gershon is good too, loved the movie Bound. Very hot.
Maybe she can be my girl crush.

jen said...

Dave? Um...can we talk? You're in a safe place, Dave, and we're all just really concerned about your....choices... Amy Winehouse? YIKES!

The Handsome Husband said...

Amy Winehouse??!!?? What is Dave smoking? Oh, he's probably smoking WITH Amy Winehouse, that's why she on his list! Yes Laura, Bound is a great movie---Gina, Jennifer Tilly, Joey Pants, it's got everyone.

32point5 said...

Hey Jen, Layer Cake was a movie that he made with Sienna Miller. There is a pretty good clip on YouTube. Handsome Husband might appreciate the clip as well.
I forgot to list my go to girl if needed, that would be Keira Knightley in Domino and Atonement for the added James McAvoy factor. PS, Amy Winehouse? that's almost a whole new catagory on it's own....I think I'll add Micky Rourke there!

jen said...

Ha! An Amy Winehouse/Mickie Rourke sandwich!!

adozeneggs said...

I told Dave there was NO Free Pass for Amy Winehouse. She's just way too much of a disaster and he'd require years of testing before he could even enter the house.
He thinks she has soul.
He did also include Scarlet Johansson, So all is not lost.
I can't believe you didn't see Layer Cake.
Dave will probably kill me for telling you all about his girl Amy!

FinnyKnits said...

HI! I'm late to the game. It happens.

Oh mama. Yes. Anthony Bourdain - really now. He is a hot piece. Even now that he's quit smoking (quitter!), has a baby and I recently realized that his teeth are a little janky, he's still a tasty beast. And that pork shank, well, let's say that it works for me.

Ewan is forever ruined for me since Trainspotting. Which I realize was a long time ago, but that toilet scene is burned into my retina and I can't UNSEE it. So, ruined. Sad.

I think Robert Pattinson might have already jumped the shark with Twilight, but yes, he is deliciously cute. You just know he's a pain in the ass though. Perhaps he needs a swift spank.

Dave Grohl though, oh yes please. Just YES.

Jennifer Garner doesn't really do it for me, but Renee Russo? How can one woman be so sexy in her 40s? I think this is my "I want to be them" crush. I just want to be her when I'm in my 40s. And then wear that see-thru dress from Thomas Crown Affair. Slut.

Meanwhile, my five? (not that we didn't just do this) Matt Damon, Pierce Brosnan (when he was 007), Val Kilmer (but only from Tombstone and even though he had tuberculosis), The Rock (Dwayne Johnson), Ice Cube.

I mean, there are others, but...yes...these are up there. Also, your husband brought up John Cusak and I must say that I adore him. If I were to make a FPF of 80s movie stars, he'd be, like, #1. BUT ONLY IF HE MADE ME A MIX TAPE.

Alright. I'm done now.

Judy said...

Do they have to be alive? If not, here is my list:
1. Alexander the Great
2. James McEvoy
3. Clive Owen
4. Daniel Day-Lewis
5. The teenage sons of my friends (ooh, Ryan!)

The Handsome Husband said...


You have got to drop the Alexander the Great thing. He died 300+ years before Christ was born. How does anyone know what he looked like?? Let's step it up into the 21st century instead of the -1st century. Also, who's the bonus girl??

jen said...

Finny, you get the award for the most diverse. From Matt Damon to Ice Cube. You can't make that up. Love it. And I think Ewan can even make heroin addiction sexy. Scary. And YES! Renee Russo. TOtally. She looks BETTER with age and I don't even hate her.

And Judy, I don't know what to say that you have a 300 year old AND a 20 year old on your list. You are flexible, girl.

Judy again said...

I can't help it, I've had a crush on Alexander the Great since I was 19! And it's because I saw portrait after portrait of him in my art history class, and they all looked nicely similar, so there.

Hmm, someone 21st century. I can't believe I forgot Colin Firth. The President of the United States is also easy on the eye.

Sorry, just can't think of a girl, HH! No, I know, Emma Thompson! But really, I just want to hang out with her.

jen said...

I just re-read all these comments almost a year later and LOL'd, people. Now I feel sorry for that poor anonymous person because not only does she/he not have an active, engaged fantasy life, she/he also has no sense of humor. And, this-just-in, LAUGHING is FUN!


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