Resolute

Every year I make the same resolutions everyone else does---exercise more, lose weight, save money.  Blah blah blah.  This year I'm trying something new.  New because it used to come easy to me but has become really really hard.  

This year, I will try to be positive.  Positive not only in my professional life (easy) but also in my personal one (hard as of late).  I will decide to not react to some things and to react in a different, more positive way to others.  I will be kinder to myself and not immediately assume fault.  I will look to the many wonderful things in my life when others seem not-so-great. I will try not to think of those that I love as assholes even when they are acting like one. 

I will try.

Spring Break 2012

On what is my last Spring Break as a student, 
here's what I did:

Laundry

Of course the washer had "an issue" when there was a TON of laundry to do.

Went to meetings
 

What does this food have to do with going to meetings?  A lot.  Lehigh knows how to do meetings.

Applied for jobs and networked
 

This photo does not convey the mental exhaustion associated with both these activities.

Drank gallons of tea and took pictures of it

It's mah faaavorite.

Watched

Portlandia-style

Baked
 

 Matcha Biscotti

Baked
 

"The best thing you've made in a long time"   --HH

Baked
 

You need to make this now.  Really.  Go.  I'll wait.

Ate
 

Unbelievably good.  Guiness and chocolate go together like...pie and a fat ass.

And shredded.

See the pictures above for why I am NOT on my way to losing up to 20 pounds in 30 days!

The break, it was good.

Trying Not to Freak Out

Cliche

I have been many sizes in my life: normal, healthy little girl, baby fat teen, thin young adult, and uncomfortable-for-me overweight.  Anyone with half a brain (and eyesight if you look at me) can tell which one I am now. 

And I'm not happy about it and haven't been in a long time.  

But I've been too lazy, and nervous, to do anything about it.  The lazy part isn't unusual for the average American but the nervous requires a little explaining.  I know it's a cliche--it seems everyone around me is constantly "dieting." Just like everyone else,  I've talked about starting an exercise program (here and here) but I don't think I've said why dieting, exercising, etc. makes me nervous.  It's because for about 7 years I was bulimic, starting in college.  It was awful, disgusting, shameful, all-encompassing.  I equate it to being alcoholic (one day and a time and all that) except with the added challenge of the simple fact that one can live without alcohol.  Not food (and who would want to?).

So anyway, I've tried to lose weight later after getting "better" and after having slowly packed on weight after each kid, but each time I felt myself slipping into the crazy.  The obsessive.  The frightened.  So I'd stop.  And crawl into a tubby cocoon.  

But I think I'm finally getting to a point in my life (hello, 40's!) in which I'd like to be as healthy inside and out as I can. I'm going to exercise, watch what I eat (without avoiding fun stuff like birthdays, nights out with friends, etc. for fear of taking one bite/drink and sliding into The Crazy.).

I want to be healthy and not tired all the time.  I want to sweat only when it's actually hot.  I want to be strong.  I want to be a role model for my kids in every way I can.  And for some reason, I want to do this without passing out. Wish me luck.

10 Wishes for 2012

1

Let's not call them resolutions because then there's so much pressure. 

1. See a friend find her feet again
2. Graduate with a 3.9 cum GPA (I can't help it, I'm a dork) 
3. Crack The Boy's teenage veneer to get to know the new him better
4. Not react (negatively/personally) when The Girl is being 13
5. Hold HH's hand more
6. Get a better grip on a few things
7. Get a new job career
8. More patience for #'s 3 and 4
9. More patience in general
10. Health, happiness and all the rest for all I love

Dying from the Cuteness

I've become a knitter!

Raveled here

Oh My God a Post!

This woman is smiling because her house is clean and she had nothing to do with it.

Becoming a grad student after working for 16 years in a completely different field as well as having two babies and raising them up was, in two words, an adjustment.  For the first time in a long long time, I began to focus on myself.  That sounds like a good thing—a relief—to someone who isn’t a mom and, in a lot of ways, it was.  But the guilt is never far behind when a mom gives a few brain cells over to things other than house and home. 

But, after wrestling with all the child-related what if’s and getting over the fear that I would be the oldest person in the room—including the professor—I began to have an amazing time as a student again.   And the guilt began to fade away as I saw my husband (always a great father but a man with a full time job) take the reins with all the little tasks that make up a day in a family with children.  The kids began to look to him for help with things when in the past, no matter what I was doing (making dinner, taking a shower!), they would ask me even if he was sitting there, doing nothing.   He began to know their schedule probably better than I ever did, helping them with homework, signing permission forms, etc., while I could devote myself to reading for class and working on papers.   

He even CLEANED THE HOUSE.

So, nearing the end of a three-year grad program, I’m now not only more educated and (hopefully!) a better candidate for a better job, I’m also a woman in a better marriage.  I never imagined that would be one of the perks of going back to school.  And while I still have some guilt that I don’t remember when my son’s history paper is due (or, honestly, what his History teacher’s name is), my kids have  learned two things from their mom putting them second for the first time ever: education, at any age, is important (and do-able!) and a good marriage truly is a partnership.   

Sometimes it’s 50/50.  Most of the time it’s not.

24k

The garden is starting to get that bursting-at-the-seams look that can excite and bewilder.  Everything's growing exponentially because of a recent rain after some good hot days.  The weeds too, unfortunately.  But ever since I realized Square Foot Gardening was the way to go (thanks, Mommy), weeding isn't too bad.  

Understand that I am a fair-weather gardener; I sweat just standing still so if it's really hot, there's no way I'm spending any real time Out There.  I have five 4x4' boxes and I can weed all 80 square feet (math!) in about 20 minutes.  Even I can deal with that.  Not that I'm going to today because, hello! It's H-U-M-I-D out there which is worse than hot.  Wet underwear weather, people. 

(too much?)

HOWEVER,  I did spend 3 minutes picking today.  Here's what I picked:

What's more than a bunch?  That would be a shit ton.

Woo-hoo!!  This is the very best part of vegetable gardening, apart from the eating.  Is there nothing more miraculous than planting an itty-bitty-teeny-weeny seed (and carrot seeds are even smaller than that) and getting something this big THAT YOU CAN EAT?

I know!!

And I haven't always had the best luck with carrots so this is even more exciting.  Here are some more pictures of the beauties.

Small, Medium, and LARGE!

Here at Topp-Down Organic Farm, we specialize in Saucy Mutant-Limbed Carrots!

And more demure mutant-limbed ones (who might have to go to the bathroom)

And sea creatures!

And there are still pretty many carrots still out there growing in the garden!! How will I ever be able to use this many?  HOW??!!

SERIOUSLY??  Is that ALL??  Let's break it down:  $2.50 in seeds to wait 2 months to grow the amount of organic carrots I usually spend $3 on at the grocery store?!  

Clearly, not a bargain.  (And how do carrot farmers make ANY money?)

SO MANY CARROTS!  not really.

However, I'm also clearly not just in it for the cheap.  I love the planning, the watching-it-grow, and the harvesting.  It's psychically satisfying.  And I know I'll be really really happy when the tomatoes ripen and I'm no longer spending $2 on one decent tomato.  

Tomatoes are a bargain.

And lots of ...compost material!  Even Rosie looks perplexed.

 What's on the horizon for this garden:

Potatoes are located in that ka-lassy tire back there.  Check out this space-saving technique!

Tomatoes, eggplant, cucumbers, more arugula, more chard (and more chard, and more chard), basil, lemon thyme, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, canteloupe, pumpkins, blueberries, sunflowers, asparagus (in 3 years), potatoes, lettuce, acorn squash, and more carrots!  

And that's just this summer!  I'm determined to try my hand at some carpentry with a cold frame from old windows to grow some winter greens, beets and broccoli.


Until then, I'll be making carrot salad, arugula topped pizza, artichoke and chard dip, and many many platters of caprese salad.  And more things topped with chard.  And arugula.  And chard.  You get the picture.

The Gregarious Homebody is...

Reading

 

Drinking

Hating

Loving

 

and

 

Dreaming of

 

Week Two

Geez, Jill, I'm TRYING!

The Burn

There is a game I love to play and I'm sure I'm not alone.  It's called The Lottery Game and What You Would Do With All that Money if You Won It (I've never spelled out the game before.  That name is LONG).  After the first couple of things I always say I would do--take friends and selected family on a big cruise, set up a college account for a nephew and a suh-weet retirement account for two friends--I would hire a personal trainer to come to my house, say, 3 mornings a week, to scream at me to GET OUT OF BED AND MOVE MY ARSE.  Specifically, I would want to hire 

Hello!  LOOK at her.  She's fit but still looks like a woman.  And she's mean.

her-->


Unfortunately, I have not won the lottery (sorry friends with no retirement account!), so I've decided to try something that Meg is trying.  Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 Days is a 30 -day (duh) program in which you do one week of level 1 and then progress to, you guess it, levels 2-4.  

I just did level 1 today.  I felt like I was having a heart attack.  On level 1.  This should be "interesting" but I am determined to keep it up.  Jill (we're friends now) suggests you do it 5-6 days a week. I'm going to shoot for 4-5 days because I'm committed to mediocrity.  But I'm going to do it.  I've been running off and on for almost 2 years and I'm still not loving it and I'm still not even running the whole time I'm out there.  Someone tells me that if I keep at it, I'll get there.  But a huge part of me (probably my butt) thinks I need to get into shape a little more before I run successfully.  Weird, I know, because most people get in shape by running.  But I think I am so OUT of shape that I need a push with some strength training and cardio.

I used to be SO STRONG.  I could crack a walnut between my thighs, people (ask HH...  teeehee).  I am someone who puts on muscle easily.  Alas, I am also someone who puts on weight (fat) easily too.  And I'm 41. Double bummer.

I am aware that this is probably one of my most boringest posts ever but I'm putting this out there so I have some level of accountability.  Help me, Rhonda, I hope this keeps up.  I don't want to be older faster than time is doing its thing.  I want to be strong and energetic (to the level that people think I am because of my personality).  I want to feel great!

I don't think I'll be exactly RIPPED in 30 days, but I'm pretty sure I'll tear something. 


**I just read this post and noticed the glaring irony of my masthead.  But who wants to look at something healthy?

Happy Birthday to Me

Healthy.

Happy.

Excited for the future.

Loved.

(And only occasionally frustrated by my children)

On Strike

In my memory, this iconic sign said "Strike." 

Okay, I'm not really on strike. I'm just considering it.  Having a pre-teen daughter and a teenage son is not all it's cracked up to be.  Not that many people think it's tons of fun but I guess I thought it would be.  Well, that's not it either, really.  Here's what I thought, honestly.  I thought that my OWN teenage years were so recent that not only would I be sooooooooo understanding, I would also be an ally instead of Other.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!

I'm sure those of you who have already been through this just fell off your chair at how dumb I am.  But I really did think that.  I can remember, almost tangibly, how tortured I felt--stuck somewhere between I Want My Mommy and Why Won't She Just Leave Me Alone.  Because I remember it so well, I thought I would understand from the parent perspective as well.  

Turns out it hurts.  A lot.  I didn't realize how much it hurts my feelings that I seem to be the punching bag for my daughter and invisible to my son.   This is just one of many moments that I wish I could talk to my mom about how she felt.  And to hear that Everything Will Be Okay.  

She looks nice here. Don't be fooled.  She crazy.

Since, short of calling up that Medium wanker (and what a bee-eye-tee-see-aitch she turned out to be!), I can't talk to my mom, I'll have to lean on my friends.  Lynn, Judy...you've been warned.

My Kind of Night

Look!  I even remembered flowers (or Judy and Ann did.  Thanks girls!!).

Saturday night was the start of a new thing: The Girlfriend Dinner.  Twelve friends, from all over who didn't necessarily know each other before, hanging out and talking (and laughing!) without the intrusion of their other halves.  Well, mine intruded a bit and so did Audrey's but those two are *almost* one of the girls themselves (or at least they fancy themselves to be!) so it was okay.

I think I would very much like to have one of these get-togethers at least twice a year (next time, brunch?).  I loved looking down the length of my dining room and seeing all these amazing women whom I'm just lucky to know, let alone the fact that most of them would take a bullet for me. And it was so loud with laughter!  Who doesn't love that?

Here's what we had:

To start
*Muhammara with homemade pita chips

For dinner
Chicken Marbella
Armenian Rice Pilaf
Roasted Butternut Squash and Spinach Salad
Roasted Cauliflower Salad with Arugula
Store-bought Ciabatta bread 

Make this for your next dinner party.  You will thank me AND The Silver Palate ladies.

For dessert
**Coconut Macaroons
Shortbread Ripple Biscotti
Kouign Amann (OH. MY. GOD.)
Chocolate Sorbet

*this isn't the recipe that I used (can't find it!) but it's close
**quadruple this recipe because it only makes 4 big ones.  Unless you want 4 big ones teeheehee

A Very Jewish Christmas

I have always loved Christmas.  When I was a kid I celebrated it the way a lot of people do--not religiously but in a steeped-in-tradition way.  When I converted to Judaism, I only celebrated it with my parents, not in my own home. I cried for about 3 years in a row, driving home to my apartment I shared with HH that did not have a Christmas tree.  It was a huge transition for me and really, the only real one when I converted, this not celebrating Christmas in my own home. But I felt it was right one.  If I was going to embrace Judaism I was going to have to give up those old traditions and make my own new Jewish ones.

Chinese, Japanese, whatever.  It's not a baked ham.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Fast forward to now: I still love Christmas.  I love the tiny (and not so tiny) lights on the trees.  I love the giving.  I love the food.  And we have our own traditions. We always see a movie.    In the past we've gone to the movies with our non-Jewish friends who also see a movie every Christmas eve.  We often have Chinese food (like every other American Jew in the world). 

No teenagers were forced into having their picture taken here. This time.

Most of all what I love about Christmas is being together with my kids and HH in our undecorated Jewish house.  The best part is the being together with my little family part.  The kids literally have NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.  

This man would trade all this togetherness for more sushi.

Who needs caroling when you can eat chocolate mochi and play Boggle?

 It's a forced togetherness but I'll take what I can get.

Something New

Today was a really good day. And it felt like what the next chapter will be like and I think I like it. 

Today I spent the day with my husband.

This may not sound earth-shattering but when you've been pretty much consumed with the daily life of having children for 14 years, a simple day out doing things that have nothing to do with them is pretty amazing.  

HH and I went to a {really cool used furniture store in K-town} to look for some paintables cheap.  Score!  We agreed on a gnarly orangey desk with awesome hardware and a cool/weird drawer that has these wooden slats in them for files (I think) and a long credenza to help reconfigure our family room to create two areas--one for tv-watching and one for a home office.  The price for two solid wood pieces of furniture that need at most a paint job and at least a cleaning up?  $53.  Take that, IKEA.  AND the place had the entertainment factor of employing the most {burnt} guy on the planet.  The dude is WEIRDLY fascinating.  

After that, a trip to the farmer's market for lunch, some candy, and 20 pumpkins (work event!).  THEN (this keeps getting more awesome) a trip to my favorite {Mennonite store} which HH was impressed by simply because of the juxtaposition of them selling wasabi powder AND all the accoutrement for making homemade sausage.  Finally, a slow ride home through the country, a nap, and a {popcorn dinner}.

Heavenly.


I get sad thinking that someday the kids will be gone.  I worry that they won't want to visit or that *shudder* they will feel the way we do about some of our respective kin, but today was a spark of the great part of this upcoming change.  

I think it's going to be fun.

And....They're Normal!

From {here}

Oh My....

Thank god I got my Netflix privileges back.

I Love Being 40

Dear Mommy,

       If you were here today, there is so much that I would want to say to you.  I don't think we'd ever stop talking.  Some of it is pretty mundane stuff, like I would want to tell you that I could indeed train not only one puppy myself but two because yes I DID have enough patience.  

And I would want  to tell you that I don't live in a teeny little house that you have to walk through my bedroom to get to the baby's room anymore but instead have a medium house that I've "decorated" with stuff I love and I think you would love.  

Not mentioned in the letter below: it was okay to NOT breastfeed.  Thanks, Mommy!

I would tell you that I'm back in school and then you would say

  

"WHAT???!!!!!!???" 

And then I would tell you that so far I have a 4.0 but I'm really afraid of this coming semester because I have to take Statistics.  And then YOU would say that you don't know where I got my math ineptitude because both you and my father are very good at it but you're really really proud anyway.

And then we would talk about gardening and the kids and the husband and whatever we'd read recently or watched on tv.  We would just chatter and say "I really should go" and then either talk a 1/2 hour longer or hang up and call right back with "just one more thing."

I would do nothing except maybe kill someone in order to have these every-day, whatever kind of conversations with you.  But I'd really consider homicide if I thought I could talk to you about one thing---raising a daughter.


You always said that you would rather raise 10 girls than even one boy again not because I was such an angel but because those boys in our house were, ahem, a handful.  But I could be an emotional handful too.  So here's what I would say to you if I could:

I don't even know where to start with this.  

I grew into my forehead since then but came to understand that

bangs are my friends.

• Thank you for telling me I was beautiful even though there were times I was definitely not (see above) and never making me think you didn't mean it.  Now I know that you actually did mean it because a mom can look through the tell-tale awkward phase and see the girl within.  Most of the time (see below). 

• I'm sorry for that time at the mall when I walked 6 feet in front of you so no one would think I was with you.  I remember you telling me how much that hurt you and now I can safely say that I feel your pain. 

• Thank you for putting up with other inexplicable moods that had nothing to do with you but were nonetheless aimed at you.  And having the where-with-all to photograph it because I laugh/cringe every time I come across it.  By the way, I also forgive you for allowing me to have that hair.  

That, my friends, is a PUSS on my face.  I was going sailing and my mom MADE ME.  Poor thing.

•  Thanks for giving me a lot of freedom.  I know some of this "giving" was actually exhaustion on some level (reread the part about the boys in my family, above), but still.  It's hard to send a kid out there and to let them spread those wings.  And when there's a car involved I really have to hand it to you.  But, speaking of cars, I also thank you for having the smarts to know that teaching me to drive would probably cause damage to our already tenuous-at-the-time relationship and hiring a driving teacher.  Smart. 

 

This picture was taken right after I got my license and right before I left for the four

hour drive to Penn State. Without a cell phone. I just got my license. Get it??!!

• Thanks for letting me buy a $200 dress for the prom because it was the only one I really liked and you thought it was awesome too.  Now, in retrospect, and with my current shopping experiences with my daughter I realize that writing out that $200 check might have been exhaustion too. But thanks anyway.  I felt like a very hot Minnie Mouse. 

 

                                                                                          It was the 80's alright?  And this dress still rocks.

• Most of all, I would thank you for sticking it out with me.  I think you knew we'd be back to being close, that I would no longer wage that battle within myself of needing you and hating you for it but instead just needing you and liking you again.  You told me that age 12 to 17 were a little rough but that even though you sometimes didn't like me, you knew you would again.   

 

• Lastly, I would tell you that I wish you could come back here for at least the next 5 years to remind me that even though my daughter will probably bruise my heart like I did yours, we'll be more than fine in the end.