The Burn

There is a game I love to play and I'm sure I'm not alone.  It's called The Lottery Game and What You Would Do With All that Money if You Won It (I've never spelled out the game before.  That name is LONG).  After the first couple of things I always say I would do--take friends and selected family on a big cruise, set up a college account for a nephew and a suh-weet retirement account for two friends--I would hire a personal trainer to come to my house, say, 3 mornings a week, to scream at me to GET OUT OF BED AND MOVE MY ARSE.  Specifically, I would want to hire 

Hello!  LOOK at her.  She's fit but still looks like a woman.  And she's mean.

her-->


Unfortunately, I have not won the lottery (sorry friends with no retirement account!), so I've decided to try something that Meg is trying.  Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 Days is a 30 -day (duh) program in which you do one week of level 1 and then progress to, you guess it, levels 2-4.  

I just did level 1 today.  I felt like I was having a heart attack.  On level 1.  This should be "interesting" but I am determined to keep it up.  Jill (we're friends now) suggests you do it 5-6 days a week. I'm going to shoot for 4-5 days because I'm committed to mediocrity.  But I'm going to do it.  I've been running off and on for almost 2 years and I'm still not loving it and I'm still not even running the whole time I'm out there.  Someone tells me that if I keep at it, I'll get there.  But a huge part of me (probably my butt) thinks I need to get into shape a little more before I run successfully.  Weird, I know, because most people get in shape by running.  But I think I am so OUT of shape that I need a push with some strength training and cardio.

I used to be SO STRONG.  I could crack a walnut between my thighs, people (ask HH...  teeehee).  I am someone who puts on muscle easily.  Alas, I am also someone who puts on weight (fat) easily too.  And I'm 41. Double bummer.

I am aware that this is probably one of my most boringest posts ever but I'm putting this out there so I have some level of accountability.  Help me, Rhonda, I hope this keeps up.  I don't want to be older faster than time is doing its thing.  I want to be strong and energetic (to the level that people think I am because of my personality).  I want to feel great!

I don't think I'll be exactly RIPPED in 30 days, but I'm pretty sure I'll tear something. 


**I just read this post and noticed the glaring irony of my masthead.  But who wants to look at something healthy?

All My Life

Best running song ever.

Thanks Taylor and Dave!

*smooch*

Neither of These is Me (but the second is a hell of a lot closer!)

38 and running...

inspiration:

reality:

news.bbc.co.uk

I did it!

Well, sort of...

Okay, almost.

Practically...

Okay, maybe half of it.

No amount of motivational thinking ("RUN, fat ass, RUN!") could keep me running the whole way. I just plain old got tired. The humidity really got to me and I had to walk 3 times. BUT, I am really really proud to say that I did NOT take a short cut (oh bridge, how you tempted me...) and I finished running at my best speed.

I am also proud that even though I was dog-tired, I was not totally out of breath. Now that may sound strange, like, if you weren't out of breath, obviously you could've kept running. But my thinking is that I was not out of breath too badly because, oh my god, maybe I'm actually getting into shape!!! This is amazing in itself because even when I was swimming 40 laps 3 times a week, other forms of exercise (like the extremely strenuous Walking Up Stairs event) used to make me get out of breath.

So I'm calling this a SUCCESS.

Wish Me Luck (or at least clean underwear)

Tomorrow's the day! My first 5K. I am hope hope hoping I get a burst of energy and actually run the whole thing. Stacy says I'll see all the other fat asses running and that'll spur me on. A girl can hope....

Top 5 Running Songs

I NEED music to run. HH hadn't charged my iPod one time (I'm a kept woman and I LIKE IT, okay?) and I actually turned around and came back inside to wait until it charged.

Here are a few of my favorites, in no particular order:

1. Back in Black (ACDC)--I need a strong beat, especially when I start my run.

2. Barracuda (Heart)--another great song from the 70's. I can't not move when that guitar riff begins (and Ann Wilson's voice makes me feel strong).

3. Everybody Got Their Something (Nikka Costa)--great beat and I know it's dorky of me, but it's also *motivational*.

4. Wish You Were Here (Incubus)--this one's in simply because the dude has an amazing, sexy voice. I'm easy.

5. Almost anything by The Foo Fighters-- Some may find it strange but I find all their songs so uplifting. I obviously like loud music judging by the first two songs, and Dave Grohl can really yell, but their songs make me smile. And if you live in Bethlehem PA, and you see a zaftig women running and smiling like an imbecile, chances are it's me listening to my Foos.

What are yours? I only have about 20 on my Running Songs playlist, so I'd love to add some more. I'm gonna tag Finny.

WooHoo!

5 minutes!!!!!!!!!!

No More Hills=Success!

awesome Nike ad

I've cleared another hurtle in this running thing I've got going on. 4 minutes of running/2 minutes of walking, only 1 or 2 minutes of feeling like I'm going to either crap my pants or throw up. Success!! I found the secret. No hills. And although I know there are going to be some hills in the 5K I'm running in *gulp* less than a month, I think it makes more sense to actually get to the point that I'm running for 3 miles no matter what the terrain than get myself bogged down running a more accurate-to-the-race course.

And, for all you runners reading this, if this does NOT make sense, I don't want to hear it.

Thanks, Finny, for your encouraging words about my feeling like a poopy pants lard ass old lady. I can't wait to read how you rocked your half-marathon yesterday. And I know you did.

One thing this running thing is good for besides clearer skin and tighter butt cheeks is clearing my head a bit before challenging experiences. We're off to NY today for a family birthday, so I'm glad I got a run in beforehand.

Running is an asshole.

Woo Hoo! Revisited

I don't care if I feel like I'm going to barf towards the end. I don't care if my chest is heaving and I cough little chunks of stomachy goodness afterwards.

I am going to keep running!!

It's not because I have discovered a new love of sweating. It's not because I have suddenly dropped the 30 pounds I would like to lose. It's not because of that Zen crap I was touting last time. Oh no.

It's because Handsome Husband told me my butt was looking good.

He did! Now it was at the beginning of some amore, if you know what I mean, but he knew I was a *sure thing* so the effort put forth to lie would have been for naught. And no, he hadn't committed some act of assholery that *some* husbands *sometimes* do. Nope. There was no reason to say it except that HE MEANT IT!

If it wasn't 11:30 at night I'd be shimmying into those hideous underarmor running pants right now. But instead I'll cuddle up next to my HH and dream of the fab thighs that should soon follow....

okay, not this good, but a girl can dream...

Woo-Hoo!...I mean, Ohhmmm.....

I finally broke through my running wall! Today I was able to run, without dying, the 3.5:2 sequence. That's 30 whole seconds of running added on! I know that sounds lame to you *real* runners, but, frankly, fuck you. It's an accomplishment for me! And this is ALL ABOUT ME.

Sorry.

I have to thank the Laurel Canyon soundtrack and the actor who sings on all the songs. It's one of the best soundtracks ever because the music really stands on its own. I mean, I know Saturday Night Fever is the best-selling of all time or some shit, but can you really listen to that album? Anyhoo, one of the songs from the soundtrack came on just as I was about to think about stopping and it really pumped me up and spurred me on. BTW, Laurel Canyon is a really great movie and stars one of my celebrities-who-I'd-like-to-be-friends-with (there's a list, people), Frances McDormand.

Thanks, Allesandro Nivola!

I also think I had a better day today because I tried something new. It's going to sound extremely flaky, but I made myself stop breathing so hard during the beginning of a walking phase (I'm always doing those fab chest-heaving breaths), which, in turn, helped the start of the next batch of running. I just sort of closed my eyes a bit and told myself to calm down, to just breathe slowly, and that's about it. I think I was sort of channeling my inner yogi because I've kind of done the same thing when I've done yoga. In any case, it worked. I have to try it at the beginning of my run on Thursday and see if it helps the run from the start.

Woo hoo! Something to look forward to!

A New *Strategery*

I think I've started to break through my running wall, but only because I've come up with a modification of The Program that, I think, better suits me. Instead of trying to do the 40-50 minutes of running with the 3:2 sequence, I'm running a route that I know is about 2 miles. It's soooo much more heartening to be able to actually finish than to have to come crawling/walking home because I'm exhausted from the 3+ miles The Program had me doing.

Is this new way a breeze? Uh....NO. In fact, it's still incredibly hard for me. In fact, look at this:


But this is the glamourous proof that I'm actually still at it. So, my idea is that I keep doing this 2 mile run, increasing the sequence to 3:30 minutes next week with a walking time still a nice 2 minutes. The Program would have me going from 3 minutes of running to an extremely-hard-to-imagine 5 minutes. That just is not going to happen without me blowing chunks along the route. Lovely, I know, but the truth.

For the nonrunning folk this has been the most boring post ever. Don't worry, though. I'm off to NY later today for Passover and I'm quite sure I'll have stories to tell.

*I realize that this is not the correct way to spell "strategy." It's just my favorite Bush-ism ever. I don't think he's evil like a few of my commie friends and I will dearly miss his grammatical foibles in the coming year.

See that wall over there? Yeah...I hit it.

I am seriously stuck. I just got back from my run. That would be the *run* in which I WALKED the last 15 minutes. I can't seem to finish all 8 reps in this 3:2 sequence. I get incredibly tired after 25-30 minutes and just can't keep running. I'm so frustrated because it was going so well before this. I'm thinking that the "5K in 13 Weeks" program that Neighbor Bob turned me on to is not geared toward the large-assed community, of which I am a member in good standing. Maybe my *community* needs to follow the "5K in 18 Weeks in Which One Walks the last 1/2K" program. Here's how bad it is: I couldn't even Foo myself out of the funk.



I am a quitter from waaaay back. My attention span and my length of time keeping with a particular exercise regime are totally in synche with each other. Both are short. THIS time I won't quit! I am sick and fucking tired of being a sit-on-my ass kind of girl who moves on to the next diet/exercise program/self-help shit, hoping it will be magically easy.

So, here is my new plan: Keep Going. Yes, it's hardly revolutionary, but it's dramatic for me. I'm going to keep doing this sequence until I only feel like I'm going to barf a little but can actually finish the 8 reps before moving on to the seemingly-unattainable 5:2 sequence.

Other stuff:

I found a new blog to waste some time on. It's called Dooce. The blogger is hilarious--she's a F-bong-slinging, former Mormon who's interested in DIY, pop culture, family junk, and spewing her daily stuff. Just my cup of tea. Check her out because she's actually making a living with her blog because of the ads on the side. You have to admire getting paid to rant.

*3:2

Week 9: I thought this whole running thing would eventually get easier. I'm finding that "eventually" is relative to how large one's ass is and how truly out of shape in general the runner is. Today was the first day of the ninth week so my running time increased and I always find it incredibly hard the first time that happens. I got to my 3rd rep and felt the wind in my hair, blah blah blah, and felt good and then 30 minutes into the run my head hurt, I was heaving and I felt a nap coming on.


According to my program, the runner should never be out of breath--you should be able to "carry on a conversation the whole time or you're training too hard." Whaaa?? I was contemplating the idea of having to walk part of the way at the 5K in June and getting more and more pissed about it when Stacy drove up and asked me how I was doing with my run. Her response to the talking-while-running thing was basically, "Yeah. If you're a marathon runner." So I feel a tad better about feeling like a lard ass on the verge of needing a defibrillator.




*3:2 is the sequence I'm running right now--run 3 minutes and then walk 2 minutes, repeating 10 times.