I have been many sizes in my life: normal, healthy little girl, baby fat teen, thin young adult, and uncomfortable-for-me overweight. Anyone with half a brain (and eyesight if you look at me) can tell which one I am now.
And I'm not happy about it and haven't been in a long time.
But I've been too lazy, and nervous, to do anything about it. The lazy part isn't unusual for the average American but the nervous requires a little explaining. I know it's a cliche--it seems everyone around me is constantly "dieting." Just like everyone else, I've talked about starting an exercise program (here and here) but I don't think I've said why dieting, exercising, etc. makes me nervous. It's because for about 7 years I was bulimic, starting in college. It was awful, disgusting, shameful, all-encompassing. I equate it to being alcoholic (one day and a time and all that) except with the added challenge of the simple fact that one can live without alcohol. Not food (and who would want to?).
So anyway, I've tried to lose weight later after getting "better" and after having slowly packed on weight after each kid, but each time I felt myself slipping into the crazy. The obsessive. The frightened. So I'd stop. And crawl into a tubby cocoon.
But I think I'm finally getting to a point in my life (hello, 40's!) in which I'd like to be as healthy inside and out as I can. I'm going to exercise, watch what I eat (without avoiding fun stuff like birthdays, nights out with friends, etc. for fear of taking one bite/drink and sliding into The Crazy.).
I want to be healthy and not tired all the time. I want to sweat only when it's actually hot. I want to be strong. I want to be a role model for my kids in every way I can. And for some reason, I want to do this without passing out. Wish me luck.
And I'm not happy about it and haven't been in a long time.
But I've been too lazy, and nervous, to do anything about it. The lazy part isn't unusual for the average American but the nervous requires a little explaining. I know it's a cliche--it seems everyone around me is constantly "dieting." Just like everyone else, I've talked about starting an exercise program (here and here) but I don't think I've said why dieting, exercising, etc. makes me nervous. It's because for about 7 years I was bulimic, starting in college. It was awful, disgusting, shameful, all-encompassing. I equate it to being alcoholic (one day and a time and all that) except with the added challenge of the simple fact that one can live without alcohol. Not food (and who would want to?).
So anyway, I've tried to lose weight later after getting "better" and after having slowly packed on weight after each kid, but each time I felt myself slipping into the crazy. The obsessive. The frightened. So I'd stop. And crawl into a tubby cocoon.
But I think I'm finally getting to a point in my life (hello, 40's!) in which I'd like to be as healthy inside and out as I can. I'm going to exercise, watch what I eat (without avoiding fun stuff like birthdays, nights out with friends, etc. for fear of taking one bite/drink and sliding into The Crazy.).
I want to be healthy and not tired all the time. I want to sweat only when it's actually hot. I want to be strong. I want to be a role model for my kids in every way I can. And for some reason, I want to do this without passing out. Wish me luck.
2 comments:
I love you!!
How is this going so far?? I hope well.
I don't know about the bulimic experience so I won't say that I know how you feel, but I went through a stage where I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I didn't eat. I'd go out to eat and watch everyone else and just have a water. i was a size 4 then. (which was way too thin for me)
If you need help I do love My Fitness Pal. I'm in a slump now, but so far 33 pounds off.
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